Just Take the Nap

The other afternoon, which could have been any afternoon, I found my two cats curled up on my bed in a deep slumber. My dog was also asleep, on the floor beneath them. I was envious. I had the urge to lie there with them and doze off. It being a Saturday afternoon with no task immediately calling my attention, I certainly could have without any duties being neglected. Rather than joining my furry friends, I felt mildly ashamed for the indulgent thought. I also thought how lazy I would appear to my husband, who was not relaxing and instead accomplishing a lot on the To-Do list. Now, would he have thought I was being lazy if he saw me napping? Doubtful. But the mere possibility kept me from partaking.

And so is one of my greatest personality flaws I learning how to manage. I care deeply, to a debilitating level, what others think of me. And I'm ashamed to even admit that, in a very meta manifestation of that fear. Disappointing someone, even a stranger, is my greatest fear. The thought of someone thinking less of me wells up into a ball of emotion that clogs my throat, making it hard to breath. I hear people have recurring nightmares of public speaking naked, or their teeth falling out. My recurring nightmare, the one that leaves me feeling like I want to crawl in a hole when I wake, is being late. It's often a work meeting, sometimes it's a class I am teaching, but it always plays out the same way. For some reason, I cannot get to where I need to be in time, there is some unknown and uncontrollable force or sequence of unfortunate events that keeps me from being where I need to be, and all my efforts to communicate with the people I am supposed to be meeting fail. And then, finally, I show up late, too late to make it okay. Everyone is disappointed in me. I've shattered whatever thin halo I had created around me. And I see that they see me as less than the image they previously had in their mind. 

This all sounds awfully self absorbed, and inconsequential. But I find it prevents me from really showing up as myself in most scenarios, or even showing up at all. I stay quite guarded. I do not take risks, or only very calculated risks.

However, the flip side of that coin, I think is a strength of mine. As commonly our greatest personality flaw can be a great personality strength. My concern for what others think of me really drives me to always be better, accomplish more, to never disappoint. Our society awards, maybe exploits, this type of character trait. I've always done very well in school and work. My successes I have attributed to my hard work and self discipline. But now I find myself questioning those assumptions. Do I actually have self discipline or is everything I've accomplished purely the product of external fear of failure? Does it even matter if it is? Maybe not, objectively, but mentally it does to me. I want to pull this motivation inside me and do things just for me, not for external validation. Maybe even do something in spite of external disappointment. My palms are actually feeling sweaty as I write this but my heart feels a sense of freedom just at the thought! Starting small is probably the key, small doses of disappointment is surely all I could mentally handle. A lazy afternoon nap sounds like the perfect place to start.