Finding Peace

The past few weeks, past month, has been a struggle.  My job has been incredibly hectic leaving me feeling completely out of control. And, I unfortunately don't see it slowing down until the holiday break. One night at dinner, I said to my husband and son, I am so tired of feeling like I just need to get through the next few days, next week, etc. That is such a defeating way to think, that I just need to get through life. 

I think to most people, I come across as calm and level headed. My demeanor is generally pretty chill. But inside my body is a different story. I'll only share the whole story with you if you are interested but after years of increasing fatigue, heart palpitations, and a lot of other life disrupting symptoms, I found out I have internal stress hormone levels that are literally off the charts. For the past six months I have been working with a couple practitioners to bring these levels down. And it's been nearly unbelievable to finally see positive results. I kind of forgot what it's like to feel my version of "normal". But this last month has been a few steps back. My fatigue has come back, aching and heaviness in my chest, heart palpitations, irritability and all of that.

I don't know why I am sharing all of this. I've had some pretty low moments recently and when life is tough, I end up sacrificing the things that bring me the most joy, like art. 

A full moon is approaching again. We sleep with our curtains open and during a full moon I will often wake up. Last night, for those few moments when I could see the quiet forest in the moonlight, life felt calm. I painted this journal entry this morning when I woke up. It is a real place only in my imagination. Maybe it's a place I can go when life gets hard. A place where there is no rushing to get through, the only option is to just be.